**No chihuahuadiles were harmed in the making of this blog. Also, I’m going to swear. A lot. Don’t read on if that offends you.**
Back in September we moved house. And all was fine and good.
Then our next door neighbours moved in to their house. And still all was good.
Then our next door neighbours had some kind of collective fucking brain fart – a common sense embolism, if you will – and decided it would be just a darling idea to buy a pair of little white chihuahuas.
Now, don’t get me wrong, when they were little puppies (read: ‘incapable of producing SHRILL SCREECHING MOTHER F- ahem, excuse me. When they were… quieter) they were pretty darn cute.
Also, I should clarify: I am very much a dog person. But my love of dogs extends primarily to dogs that don’t give you the fear, every time you sit down on the sofa, that you’re about to crush one of them; dogs that aren’t a risk for being yoinked away by birds of prey when out for a walk; dogs that can carry off names like Arrow, Pilot, or Achilles.
I don’t know the names of next door’s chihuahuas (Husband and I have taken to referring to them as Sauron and Morgoth), but within a few months it became clear that these things are EVIL INCARNATE. I should have suspected as much when, within weeks of their arrival next door’s cat was like ‘NOPE’ and left without warning in the night. Alas, I now fear that’s the best case scenario and a more likely explanation is that the chihuahuas have done for him and buried his body in the walls.
The full horror of the situation became clear one evening around Christmas time when our peace was disturbed by the sound of something being viciously savaged in next door’s garden. We ran to the upstairs window in time to witness the chihuahuas dragging the sad carcass of a teddy bear (our neighbours have a little boy) across the lawn and ferociously ripping it to shreds like a pair of crocodiles with a zebra. There were full-on death rolls, there was thrashing and shaking and snarling and snapping….and all the while the poor teddy bear stared up at us as if to say ‘Kill meeeeeee!’ while the chihuahuas went at it like it was feeding time at Jurassic Park.
And thus the Chihuahuadiles were born.
A brief lesson in the anatomy of Chihuahuadilus Assholius: